sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
