I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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