Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
