it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
