Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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