some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
