1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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