I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Farmville is her only friend.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
