he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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