If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
