sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
