I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
