I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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