I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
