Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
