Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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