i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
