My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
