My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
