My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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