I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
