Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
