I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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