he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
