i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
