why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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