I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
