Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
