I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
