got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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