i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
