This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
