Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
