I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
