the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
