Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
