No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
