You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
