You smell like stripper and shame
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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