just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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