Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
