I think I died a long time ago.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
did i just pee glitter
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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