the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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