I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we should paint friendship bongs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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