thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
