I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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