Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
