I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
