It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
