apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
