Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
