I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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